Morton Downey Jr.

   This week we are lucky enough to have one of the great interviewers of our time in The Death Pool. Ladies and Gentlemen welcome Morton Downey Jr.

TDP: Mort, welcome to The Death Pool.  First off   Heaven, Hell or Purgatory?

MDJ:  Thank you very much and I am sad to say that I am in Hell.

TDP:  Oooh that's rough.  But Mort we here at The Pool do have a bone to pick with you.

MDJ:  Pick away.  I've been called all the names in the book,  been attacked by skinheads......

TDP:  Oh believe me we'll get into that a little bit later.  Just hold your mic there big fella.  Now you used to be a big smoker in your day, were you not?

MDJ:  That's correct.

TDP:  And when you found out that you had cancer you started singing a different tune.  Going on and on about the evils of smoking. Blah blah blah.....did you not?

MDJ:  That is correct.

TDP:  Why did you pussy out on us?

MDJ:  How's that?

TDP:  Us smokers, Mort.  You pussied out on us.   Get a little thing like cancer and you start railing against the smoke.   What's up with that?

MDJ:  Well smoking is indeed bad for you.  It did kill me.

TDP:  Say it Mort.

MDJ:  Say what?

TDP:  "I pussied out."....................   Say it!

MDJ:  I will not!

TDP:  "I pussied out."....................   Say it!

MDJ:  I will not!

TDP:   Hitler......

MDJ:  What's that?

H:  You called for me Mr. Pool.

TDP:  That's correct Hitler.  Could you please show Mort how a real skinhead would kick his ass.

MDJ:  Hold on a minute.

TDP:  Say it!

MDJ:  All right...all right.  I PUSSIED OUT!

TDP:  That's more like it.  You'll find a fat spliff sitting under your chair there Mort. 

MDJ:  You are the best.

TDP:  We know how to treat our guests unlike some other hosts whom I will not mention right now.

MDJ:  Fuck you.

TDP:  Sorry I had to wake you Hitler.

H:  It's all good.

TDP:  Now about that skinhead incident... is it not true that that was a publicity stunt?

MDJ:  Oh, of course not.  I was cornered in the stall of the bathroom in the airport and.......

TDP:   Hitler.....

MDJ:  Shit.  All right,  I had my assistant Les do that to me.

TDP:  Les?

MDJ:  Yeah,  me and Les were getting drunk in San Francisco playing a mean game of  dungeons and dragons.

TDP:  Were you the dungeon master?

MDJ:  What do I look like to you, a fucking troll?

TDP:  Sorry.

MDJ:  That's all right.  anyway, I was talking about how I needed some better ratings for my show.  Next thing I know I'm asking Les who really is a good egg, to punch me in the breadbasket and shave my head.  That's the last time I drink those wine coolers.  They pack more of a punch than you would think.

TDP:  Tell me about it.  So you let him punch you and shave your head and shit?

MDJ:  Well yeah.  You know how you get real drunk with some friends and then shave your head.

TDP:  No.

MDJ:  You gotta get out more.

TDP:  Now about your son, what the hell is wrong with that boy?

MDJ:  My son?

TDP:  Gonna dump him already.  I don't blame you.   You know Robert Downey Jr.

MDJ:  He's not my son.

TDP:  Wasn't he found in like an amusement park with   sixteen vials of crack,  a seventeen year old Swedish girl and three squirrels up his ass.

MDJ:  He's not my boy.

TDP:  I mean how would one get three squirrels up his ass?

MDJ:  HE'S NOT MY SON!  I have no idea about the squirrels.

TDP:  Well also under your chair there Mort you'll see a cage with three squirrels in it.  Could you demonstrate how you taught your boy the maneuver?

MDJ:  I will say this one more time, he's not my boy!

TDP:  O.K.  I could see why you wouldn't want to own up to it.  One last question,  what do you think we here at the prestigious Death Pool could do to improve our interviews.

MDJ:  Get a different host.

TDP:  So you don't like the way I conduct the interviews?

MDJ:  You're a fucking pinhead.

TDP:  Well you'll be glad to know that that spliff you enjoyed was laced with a few choice pubes.

MDJ:  Now that's some good shit.  Awe fuck it give me a squirrel.

So long till our next guest................