Walter Matthau

Today at The Death Pool we would like to welcome acting great Walter Matthau!

TDP:  Walt, welcome to The Death Pool.  Heaven, Hell or Purgatory?

WM:  Thank you very much.  I am in Heaven.

TDP:  Good work.  So what happened?  What did you in?

WM:  Grumpier Old Men.

TDP  Come again.

WM:  That damn movie.   I mean have you seen it?

TDP:  Can't say as I have.

WM:  Save your eight bucks.  I sit down with a sandwich a dill pickle and a cream soda thinking I'm in for a relaxing afternoon and I see that they're showing that movie on TNT.  I figured what the heck, I'd never actually sat through it before.  Man was that a mistake.  I'm looking over that piece of shit and thinking this is what my career has led me to.  I mean me and Jack Lemmon............

TDP:  Hey, he's dead isn't he?

WM:  No, idiot.  He's still alive.  If you see him try and get the word to him not to see that flick.  He's likely to blow an aorta if he sees it.

TDP:  So how's heaven?  Met any friends or interesting characters?

WM:  Not too shabby.  That George C. Scott is getting on my fucking nerves, though.  Yesterday at orientation.......

TDP: Whoa, hold up a second.  They've started an orientation up there?

WM:  Yeah, one of Scott's brilliant ideas.  He's taking to showing all the new arrivals around.   Giving them a tour of the Scott Memorial Gym.   Letting us in on mealtimes and  bathrooms.  That kind of shit.  So anyway he tells me we exercise promptly at 6:30 a.m.

TDP:  What did you say?

WM:  I told him to fuck off and get me a corned beef on rye! I mean I'm a damn Oscar winner and I have the statue.

TDP: Yeah Walt.

WM:  Damn if I'm gonna be led around by that tyrant and if I hear one more time about his infatuation with Sally Struthers then I'm gonna drop kick his ass.

TDP:  We heard the whole sordid story.  Oh dude I just realized you were in The Bad News Bears, weren't you?

WM:  That's right.  Now if I would have seen that instead of that other pile of shit I might still be alive.

TDP:  So did you get to see Tatum O'neal naked or what?

WM:  Now look, I realize you sick little internet punks are looking at porn left and right but that girl was like 12 or 13 when we filmed that movie.

TDP:  Not even a peek.

WM: No.

TDP: A glance?

WM: Nope.

TDP:  A gander?

WM:  Nada.

TDP:  O.K.  So how about that Tony Randall having a kid at like 95 or somethin?

WM:  Son, you sure are articulate aren't you........That's right, junior.   He had a child.  I tried to warn him off of it but that man's like a rabbit.    I had to fight him off of my leg on more than one occasion.

TDP:  Really?

WM:  Oh sure.  When we had The Odd Couple running he was getting more snatch than Jack Nicholson.  The brawds used to go crazy for his tidy habits.   Little did they know that when he got home you were likely to find an eclair under a seat cushion.

TDP:  Well Walt our time is running out.   Any regrets?

WM:  You mean besides this interview?

TDP:  Ha ha.

WM:  Oh sure there were a couple of roles that I turned down that I would like to have done.

TDP:  Like what?

WM: Let's see......Easy Rider

TDP:  No way.

WM:  Yes way.  I was up for the Peter Fonda part but I think he had better weed so he got the gig.  I think I would have done a bang up job, though.

TDP:  I would like to have seen that.  Well, thanks Walter and we are all sorry that you lost that election to Reagan.

WM:  That was Walter Mondale, simpleton.