Walter Payton

This week we welcome the great Walter Payton.

TDP: Walt, Heaven, Hell or Purgatory?

WP: Heaven  you stingy bastards.

TDP: Walter, what have we done?

WP: You damn selfish stingy bastards.

TDP: But Walt how have we been selfish?

WP: Well lets see you fucking misers. I want all of your readers to take out your drivers licenses and if you're too young for a drivers license then you shouldn't be reading this rude crap anyway. O.K. got em out?.......................Now there is a little question on the back. ORGAN DONOR!!! YES OR NO? Here's a tip you fucking tightfisted pricks. SAY YES! I'd still be there. What are you assholes going to do with a liver up here? Want a clue?......Nothing. That's right, don't even need it. Oh but I sure could have. One little damn liver and I would still be signing your precious autographs and snapping your little pictures for your Uncle Sal.

TDP: OH

WP: That's all you got to say you clam. "Oh". Your a regular Cronkite.

TDP: I'm sorry Walter and on behalf of the human race

WP: The fucking stingy human race!

TDP: I stand corrected. The fucking stingy human race, I would like to apologize.

WP: Don't coddle me you little bastard. I'll tell you something.

TDP: What?

WP: You sure do like to chime in don't you? Why not shut up for a minute before I chop block your ass.

TDP: Sorry.

WP: If I was a white, old, cussing, heirloom I would have gotten a liver as fast as a pizza.

TDP: What are you talking about?

WP: Don't play dumb with me fool. Mickey Mantle got his shit faster than he could say "under the bed bitch, my wife's comin in." He practically had people coming to his hospital bed with a butter knife and marker dots on their bellys for him to carve out whatever he needed. I needed some spare parts and you stingy bastards couldn't even fess up after you get in a car wreck or somethin. I was prone to sittin a round watchin the news to see if there were any car wrecks or train crashes. When there was one, I'd drive out there and start checkin drivers licenses.

TDP: Any luck?

WP: Man, you sure are brilliant.......WHERE AM I?

TDP: Sorry.

WP: Better be. I'd yank a license and nothin would be checked off. So you know what I'd do?

TDP: What?

WP: I'd start cuttin.

TDP: You can't do that.

WP: Well yeah the state police alerted me to that fact quite quickly. But hell, here I am. What are you gonna do? I'm playin ball with Wilt, it's o.k.

TDP: Well Walter we do have a little surprise for you.

WP: OOOH I'm holdin my breath you cheap misers.

TDP: Walt, being the final member of what we like to call here at The Death Pool, "The death trifecta", you have earned the right to choose who will kick off next. You see you and Wilt and Payne all went in close enough proximity and in the same death category to qualify as a trifecta.

WP: No shit?

TDP: That's correct. We have the in with some of the people down below and have made special arrangements for the winners of this contest.

WP: Well let me see. Damn I hated that Oprah woman she almost ruined my marriage. I'd love to pick off Kenny G. but I think I'll leave him around to torture you poor bastards instead. I can't do it man. I'll tell you what. Let me think about it. Talk it over with the fellas and I'll get back to you.

TDP: Fair enough. Thanks for comin on.

WP: No problem.

TDP: Take it easy.

WP: Yeah, fuck you!