George C. Scott

TDP: George, welcome to The Death Pool. First off Heaven, Hell or Purgatory?

GCS: Heaven of course.

TDP: Can You tell us what happened?

GCS: Sure, I slipped off the shitter.

TDP: HA HA.

GCS: Stop laughing you little prick. I was just trying to take a simple crap and my ass must be made of butter cause I went for the throne and the next thing I know I'm face down on the toilet brush moaning like Brittany Spears after she got her new tits.

TDP: Sorry to hear that C.. Is there anything you can tell us about Heaven?

GCS: Certainly. These lazy bastards need to be whipped into shape.

TDP: Why's that?

GCS: I don't know how you run it at your house but the old man up here has let it fall to shit. I've got these lazy free loaders on a strict regimine of exercise and healthy living. As I understand it things have gotten a little out of hand and so I'm layin down the real.

TDP: Do you have that kind of authority up there C.?

GCS: Fuck yeah, I was Patton God damnit. "Nixon, get off your ass and give me 20 you feeble Prick". I swear you have to keep after him like a kindergarten teacher. He's always tryin to slip off behind a clowd and catch some Z's or listen in to what you poor saps on earth are saying about him.

TDP: Any surprises since you've been up there?

GCS: A few. This whole Lady Di and Mother Teresa mess you started has got everybody a buzz. But I'm starting to crack the whip on em. Frankly, the whole thing makes me sick. To see these two at each others throats all the time. I'm starting to ween St. Peter off the sauce but damn he's tougher than trying to keep John daly out of Ceasers Palace. I've got to watch him like a hawk.

TDP: Do you miss anything about earth?

GCS: Sure, macaroni and cheese, crullers, bear claws, and those damn Jim Nabors albums. I loved those fruity tunes. But most of all I miss the stage. Oh how I long to be in front of an audience playing King Lear. Yet,I always felt I had another calling in life that I should have pursued.

TDP: What was that?

GCS: You're going to think it's silly.

TDP: No we won't really. Come on tell us.

GCS: All right. Nothing to lose now. I always wanted to star in a porno movie.

TDP: Really?

GCS: Oh, yeah. Me and Sally Struthers. I could really show her a thing or two. You know me the director of a new movie and her the struggling actress coming in for the role. I get her on the couch and WAAAAWOOO we start goin to town. I'd like to be her Meathead.

TDP: O.K. Georgie.

GCS: No, really. I want that pudgy fox up here now. So you guys listen up. Run her off the road, push her off a cliff. Do what you gotta do man.

TDP: George, snap out of it.

GCS: I'm sorry. Well I gotta go me and Mr. Roper have an aerobics class to run and if we're not there these frumpy sloths won't get off their fat asses till dinner.

TDP: Thanks, C:

GCS: Proper.

Well there you have it. Goodbye until our next guest makes their entrance.