It's time for our annual Deathpool mixer. This is a chance for most of the people who kicked off in 1999 to get together and give us their predictions for 2000. So without further delay....

                                      Deathpool 2000

TDP: Welcome one and all to The Deathpool 2000 mixer. We have invited all who died in 1999 to join in the fun, have a few cocktails and make a few predictions for the new year. First up to the microphone I see is Gene Siskel. Gene any predictions?

GS: Sure, I have one. I predict that before the end of 2000 Roger Ebert will fornicate with a whole glazed ham! They will produce a love child and said child will rule professional wrestling.

TDP: Beautiful, that's what we like to hear. I see that you have on your arm the lovely Shirley Hemphill. Any predictions Ms. H.?

SH: What's up with all this polite shit you tired cracker? I've read funnier shit on the toilet paper after I wiped my ass. O.K. I got a prediction. I predict that Gene here goes to town on my lovely melons tonight.

GS: I'll give that a thumb up!

TDP: Thanks you two. I see waiting next is Al Hirt. Al any predictions for 2000?

AH: What?

TDP: Do you have a prediction for the millennium?

AH: Damn son, I thought this was the line for the gumbo. Uh, yeah.....I predict that I consume more shrimp in the next hour than Shirley. Ha Hee.

TDP: Thanks Al. Oh good I see JFK Jr. is up next. Jr., any predictions?

JFK Jr.: Yes, I predict that Bill Clinton never takes a ride in a Cessna near Marthas Vineyard. I also predict that I even being dead will still get more tail than the state of Kansas.

TDP: All right. I see behind you Mark Sandman of Morphine fame. Enter Sandman.

MS: That's so tired, man. I predict that as long as I hang out with that JFK Jr. cat, my mind may turn to deep fat fried mush but man is it goin to be a love fest.

TDP: I see Mark that you have on your arm the lovely Lili St. Cyr. Lili any predictions?

LSC: Sure dawlin, I predict that Hillary Clinton will win the election in New York and commence to payin Bill back for all he's done to her. She'll be hiring all the greasy butt naked interns you can strap to her back. Let the good times roll baby.

TDP: Thanks, Lili. Ah I see we have some jocks hanging out together by the punch. Look it's Joe Dimaggio. JD any predictions?

JD: Well hello son. I would like to predict that I will kick your measly fuckin ass if you don't leave me the hell alone. Jesus?

JC: Yes!

JD: Sorry, not you. Someone get this prick away from me.

TDP: I think Joe may be a bit busy. But I do see Catfish Hunter. Cat, any predictions?

CH: Sure, but you just gotta watch out for Joe he's just a normal schlum up here and he's not taking it too easy. O.K. I predict that Nolan Ryan will come out of retirement after inventing a new pitch called the NB.

TDP: The NB?

CH: Sure, it will look like a fast ball straight over the mound and then as it gets to the hitter it will make a sharp turn for the nuts. Hence, the Nut Buster. It'll reinvent his career.

TDP: Thanks Cat. I see you have the beautiful Miss Dana Plato on your arm. Dana any predictions?

DP: Sure, I predict that Todd Bridges will go on the gameshow Wanna Be a Millionaire and get all the way to the million dollar question and the question will be "What was Gary Colemans famous one liner on Different Strokes?" He will be so excited that he has a heart attack and dies.

TDP: Good one. Speaking of game shows I see Alan Funt behind you. Alan, what would you like to predict?

AF: I predict that me and Gene Rayburn will have Dana Plato before the end of the evening. Come here sweetheart.

DP: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH.

TDP: Gene, anything you'd like to share with the group?

GR: Well I heard Dana speak of Regis Philbins game show. I predict that Regis will get caught in a hotel room by that magazine The Star, having carnal knowledge of himself.

TDP: Thanks Gene. I see Wilt Chamberlain and Walter Payton enjoying themselves. Fellas, any predictions?

WP: Sure, I predict that Mike Ditka after having another straight losing season will retire from football and coach ladies golf .

WC: Yeah, and I predict that by the year 2010 the NBA will have at least 45 guys claiming to be children of mine playing in the league.

PS: That Wilt certainly is a hoot is he not?

TDP: Payne Stewart, anything you'd like to predict?

PS: By all means. I predict that Tiger Woods and Jack Nicklaus will marry in a secret ceremony off the coast of Africa and rule a small island with iron fists.

TDP: Thanks, Payne. There's Deforest Kelley and Nerine Kidd Shatner making out in the corner. Let's see if we can get anything out of those two. Deforest, any predictions for 2000?

DK: Damnit son, what if Jim sees this? Oh yeah I almost forgot who I was talking to. Aint nobody gonna see this. I'll tell you what Jim had one foxy number here.

NS: Thanks baby. I'll tell you what, I predict that I'll find out why they called you boner.

DK: That was Bones, sweetheart.

NS: Whooow!

TDP: It appears we have a ruckus going on in the background. Can someone let us in on what's happening?

BW: Sure, I'll tell you.

TDP: Ah, Boxcar Willie. What seems to be the problem?

BW: I'm standin over here sippin some Jack and I see Ol Mel Torme come prancin into the room. So I just let him have a piece of my mind.

TDP: What did you say?

BW: I just called him a hack and let him know that he was a talentless bastard. Which you know is true. If he had any talent that shrimp would be able to yodel.

TDP: Well Mr. Car since we have you here any predictions?

BW: Sure, I predict that Zamfir, you know that master of the pan flute? Well he's gonna get elected to a county seat somewhere in Alabama and make a damn fine politician.

TDP: Thanks. I See Stanley Kubrick coming up to the microphone. Go ahead Stanley.

SK: I predict that this tired ass plot has to come to an end. CUT! I SAID CUT YOU SENSELESS BASTARD!

TDP: I guess we'll have to cut out here and thank all our guests for speaking with us. Until next years mixer. Thank you all!