Conference Call with Tom Landry, Charles Schulz and Jim Varney

Today at The Death Pool we are fortunate enough to have placed a conference call with our most recent additions. We would like to welcome Tom Landry, Charles Schulz and Jim Varney.

TDP: Gentlemen, thank you for joining us today. I guess we'll start with you Mr. Schulz since you are the newest member of the group. First off, how was it working with Bob Crane?

CS: What?

TDP: I have to tell you that Hogans Heroes was one of our favorite shows and you played a great Sgt. Schulz.

CS: I think there's some misunderstanding. I am Charles Schulz, the creator of Peanuts.

TDP: I mean how could you keep a straight face when Klink would berate you like that. Oh those shows were golden.

CS: What the fuck are you talking about? Who is Klink?

TDP: All right all right. Mr. Landry, how are you feeling? Heaven, Hell or Dallas?

TL: All right now son. No jokes about Texas. That is the most beautiful state in the union. I am in heaven of course, having led a God fearing lifestyle.

TDP: Aw come on Tom. Didn't you even try and catch a peak at one of your players noodle in the shower?

TL: Now listen hear son, I don't have to put up with this crap. I'll walk outta here if this interview isn't kept on the up and up.

JV: You tell em Vern

TL: Shut the fuck up Varney. You're the type that gave us southerners a bad name. Couldn't you put out something better than those idiot Ernest movies.

JV: Oh sure I could have been watchin grown men grab each others asses all day.

TL: Why you little prick. Come here.......

TDP: Gentlemen. Let's take a minute and relax here.

POOF

TDP: What the hell was that?

DH: It was me.

TDP: Who else is there?

CS: It's that fairy Doug Henning.

DH: Hey look, I made my pants dissapear.

TL: Put those pants back on, son.

CS: Those are the ugliest set of peanuts I've ever seen.

DH: What's wrong Mr. Death Pool? You're too good to interview me? I was Doug Henning for Gods sake.

God: What?

DH: Sorry sir. Not you.

TDP: Oh, well, um. Sorry. So how are you Doug?

DH: I'm fine. Watch this.

POOF

TDP: What happened?

CS: Henning just made Varneys pants dissapear.

TL: Ha hee.

TDP: What's so funny, coach?

TL:  Varney's hung like a nine year old.

JV: Caught you looking, Vern.

TL: That's it. It's go time needledick.

TDP: Mr Schulz, are you still there?

CS: Yeah, .........I don't know why.

TDP: So tell us, did you ever participate in any of those orgies that Bob Crane would have? I mean he got a lot of tail didn't he?

CS: NIMROD, I created a comic strip. Peanuts, ever heard of it?

TDP: Oh shit, you did that too. How did you have time to write a comic strip and tape Hogans Heroes at the same time?

CS: That's it I'm out of here.

TDP: So tell us. Peppermint Patty, she was a lesbian wasn't she?........Schulz?.........Schulz? Oh well, Mr. Varney tell us which of the Ernest movies was your favorite?

DH: Sorry Mr. Pool, he and the coach are practicing the uh......long snap. If you know what I mean.

TL: Get over here magic boy, we need your tight end. I mean as a tight end. Now boys we're gunna run through a play I like to call the 32 brown eye push.

TDP: Oh well I guess that's it until next time.

DH: What, you can't talk to me? You ungrateful bastards. I gave you the gift of magic. Illusions, I entertained you all.

TDP: All right Doug, you can sign off.

DH: POOF!!